Category Archives: Family

Everything I am not // Documenting birth

Here is how it went:

Katie asks me to document the birth of her fourth.

I say “H-YA” since photographing the first moment of life has been on my bucket list for 3 years now.

A Few months later I drive to Mesquite on her due date.

Then a whole 13 days later the child is born. Katie wrote about the experience here (which is what you should really be reading since I was not the one who waited and carried the babe for a debatable 42 weeks).

Waiting for Ellis Rose was very emotional. Not that it was miserable or anything like that, it was just a very raw spiritual endeavor.  Don’t misunderstand me, when I say spiritual I don’t mean light hearted and euphoric, I mean it was inexplicably and internally a battle. Every morning you wake another day… still no baby. Every night you go to sleep… still no baby. The joke that it was groundhog day was made everyday. Irony, yeah?

Even me, the one who had nothing better to do and no better people to be around, was brought face to face with my unbelief. It almost felt like a phase of sobering up: Stripped of the delusional control I have become so overwhelmingly dependent on. I found myself doubting, in my heart of hearts, that labor would not come if I don’t intervene in some way. LOL HAHAHA

But the Lord made a promise and there WOULD be a baby.

But ‘waiting for a baby’ was no answer to my questions of why it was so much of an ordeal for my soul. And here is what I felt the Lord told me about it:

Waiting- really waiting without shortcuts or intervention, just being still and waiting– is a holy, real, pure, torturous, and fundamental foundation for a divine work that is to be done.

Waiting is a the time where we are stripped of our own devices and spiritually pried from our human nature.

Waiting is surrender.

I’ve heard and read what Katie has to say about natural childbirth. She (and I am sure others) says that she views it as her way of experiencing part of what Christ did in His surrender and sacrifice of body. So. Much. Glory. And I got to watch it happen. Just as I, in a very small and unimportant way, experienced the fleshly turmoil of waiting, I also witnessed the divine story being played out: The truth of divinity through human suffering.

After waiting 2 weeks, Katie went into labor. She endured pain a human shouldn’t be able to endure at the exact time it was ordained to be endured. She was given a baby. A fulfilled promise.  An invaluable and undeserved gift.  A light in a place no human can see. A word in the annihilating places of silence in which all humans are mute. Sustenance amongst a famished people.

An anchor of hope, that enters into the very presence within the veil.

And all of this without (because) I didn’t do anything. 😉

That is what this video and experience means to me: Everything good I could never make- everything I have to live for. And Everything I am not.

So here is the video. Far from perfect, because I (with the help of my sister with the iMovie ish) made it. But perfect because LIFE.

Hebrews 6

12 In order that you may not grow disinterested and become [spiritual] sluggards, but imitators, behaving as do those who through faith ([b]by their leaning of the entire personality on God in Christ in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness) and by practice of patient endurance and waiting are [now] inheriting the promises.13 For when God made [His] promise to Abraham, He swore by Himself, since He had no one greater by whom to swear,14 Saying, Blessing I certainly will bless you and multiplying I will multiply you.15 And so it was that he [Abraham], having waited long and endured patiently, realized and obtained [in the birth of Isaac as a pledge of what was to come] what God had promised him.16 Men indeed swear by a greater [than themselves], and with them in all disputes the oath taken for confirmation is final [ending strife].17 Accordingly God also, in His desire to show more convincingly and beyond doubt to those who were to inherit the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose and plan, intervened (mediated) with an oath.18 This was so that, by two unchangeable things [His promise and His oath] in which it is impossible for God ever to prove false or deceive us, we who have fled [to Him] for refuge might have mighty indwelling strength and strong encouragement to grasp and hold fast the hope appointed for us andset before [us].19 [Now] we have this [hope] as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul [it cannot slip and it cannot[c]break down under whoever steps out upon it—a hope] that reaches [d]farther and enters into [the very certainty of the Presence] within the veil,

bethany - Whoa. One brave mama. One brave videographer. Great job! x

Emma - That is one brave mama! Thanks Bethany, means a lot. Love and miss you.